Brian Chirls

On Rosh Hashanah It is Written...

**Book of Life, Volume 5,763

Entry #4,043,867,511: Chirls**

Though 5763 has, in some ways, been a year of improvement for Mr. Chirls, he is still considered a “heavy hitter” among sinners. He has shown a significant decrease in gambling, larceny and violent crime. However, he still commits a broad range of sins against both Man and God, and his accounting practices can be described as “dodgy” at best.

The following is a list of the most frequent and/or offensive sins committed by Mr. Chirls in the year 5763:

Sins Against Man

  • Bearing false witness

  • Malicious gossip

  • Making fun of A.B. for being so little

  • Not liking One Hundred Years of Solitude

  • Spreading the Sobig virus

  • Chewing with mouth open

  • Drunken singing

  • File-sharing

  • Insider trading

  • Price-fixing

  • General misogynistic behavior

  • Excessive use of “finger quotes”

  • Allowing major Colombian drug operation to run out of his living room

  • Coveting neighbor’s wife, maidservant, ox and ass

  • Failing to see friends’ plays in Fringe Festival

  • Seeing The Lion King on Broadway (see also “Sins Against God”)

  • Not scrubbing hard enough when cleaning the tub

  • Treason

Sins Against God

  • Original Sin

  • Blasphemy

  • Idolatry (possession of graven images with intent to sell)

  • Sloth

  • Gluttony

  • Double Parking

  • Neither observing the Sabbath, nor keeping it holy

  • Seeing The Lion King on Broadway

  • Singing “Hakuna Matata” on the way home from seeing The Lion King on Broadway

  • Taking the Lord’s Name in Vain

  • Onanism

Sins Committed by Chirls in 5763, Compared with U.S.A. National Average

This will do you no good on a text-only browser.

Outlook for 5764

In light of the above sins and Mr. Chirls’s utter lack of atonement, the new year will include the following:

  • A new, discourteous roommate who speaks poor English

  • Chronic athlete’s foot

  • Low quality mobile phone service

  • No more good thai restaurants in the neighborhood that will deliver

  • IRS Audit

  • A little jail time

  • Lactose intolerance

  • an extended “dry spell”

Because of a rare act of kindness in which Mr. Chirls selflessly bought a round of drinks for a bachelorette party of women he did not at all find attractive, he will receive one perfect extra-lean pastrami sandwich in the year 5764.