It’s already six days into the new year, and I’m still writing 5763 on all my checks…
I hope you will all forgive me for the lateness of the annual New Years issue of blog.chirls.com for 2004. It has taken me this long to recover from New Years Eve and get all my affairs in order.
The last days of 2003 were packed with the usual hectic end-of-year schedule: last-minute caroling rehearsal; Chinese food and Christmas movie marathon; repenting for all my sins; and down-to-the wire billing and collections so the blog.chirls.com accountants could close the books on the fiscal year. On top of all that, the Colombians living on the floor in my living room were temporarily replaced by a group of smaller and more efficient Japanese guests. So I had to learn Korean, or whatever language they speak over there. It turned out okay in the end though, ‘cause they left me with a lot of great photos of my apartment and some kind of talking robot fish toy.
Anyway, that stupid year is over. So here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. My resolutions for 2004. In order to become a leaner, cleaner, fitter, happier Chirls by 2005, I resolve:
1. Blog updates at least twice a day (once on the Sabbath)
Thousands of you have come to depend on blog.chirls.com for our well-researched, thoughtful news and opinion on Politics, Arts and Culture, Technology and some other stuff that’s pretty much completely pointless. In return for your devotion, I owe you, the readers, the best effort I can muster. I see 2004 as being the year of quantity over quality (“The more the merrier!” “A lot is hot!”). So this is my pledge. Twice a day and no less (once on the Sabbath).
2. No more stand-up comedy
The success rate on this stuff is just too low, and I’ll not have it anymore. I mean, have you seen some of these comedians? Exceptions for Eddie Izzard and old Steve Martin tapes, naturally.
3. Become friendly with one Muslim person
At this point, I feel that I’ve gotten about as much as I’m gonna get out of Christians and Jews. It’s time to broaden my horizons. I looked into Buddhism, but I just can’t get behind the whole Eightfold Path thing. I mean eight? Honestly. And after last week, Shintoism is out! That leaves our monotheistic brethren, the Muslims. Anyway, I have a feeling the Muslim people are going to play an increasingly relevant role in the world come 2005. I may as well get a jump on it.
4. Eat nothing but protein bars
Impact carbs are the devil, just like rap music and the Internet. I’m done with ‘em! Bring on the hydrolyzed collagen and whey protein. Yum, that’s tasty!
That’ll be about all I can handle in one year. Thanks for reading. See you back here in 12 hours. Promise.