Here’s one of those new toys I was talking about. Now you can get blog.chirls.com on your web phone. It’s a little klunky right now, but it’s live for those of you who can’t wait any longer.

Just point your WAP browser here: wap.chirls.com

Welcome back to the new, improved, badder-ass blog.chirls.com! Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been away for a bit. Wondering why? Well, no excuses here. Just none of your damn business. But I’m not that blog-abandoning lame-o you faithless layabouts took me for. Like Famke Janssen, I’ve risen from the ashes of time…or something.

Much has happened since the last update, but none of it to me. But, we’re finally at the beginning of another Summer of Chirls. This is gonna be the good one, for sure. Oh, and keep an eye out for the waffle project. Good stuff.

In celebration of my triumphant return, the technical staff here at blog.chirls.com spent the last couple of weeks upgrading the system. The comment interface is a little different, so that spammers will now have an easier time posting their ads on my website. And there’s some calendar thingy over on the right that looks pretty neat. I wonder what that does. Looks cool, anyway. You may notice I’ve trimmed the links a bit. Turns out I’m not the only one who’s been on hiatus, and some people (ahem) haven’t been so good at linking back.

So let’s see if we can’t get this thing going again. I’ve got some fun new toys to play with, and hopefully you’ll see some of them up here. Thanks for reading.

It’s already six days into the new year, and I’m still writing 5763 on all my checks…

I hope you will all forgive me for the lateness of the annual New Years issue of blog.chirls.com for 2004. It has taken me this long to recover from New Years Eve and get all my affairs in order.

The last days of 2003 were packed with the usual hectic end-of-year schedule: last-minute caroling rehearsal; Chinese food and Christmas movie marathon; repenting for all my sins; and down-to-the wire billing and collections so the blog.chirls.com accountants could close the books on the fiscal year. On top of all that, the Colombians living on the floor in my living room were temporarily replaced by a group of smaller and more efficient Japanese guests. So I had to learn Korean, or whatever language they speak over there. It turned out okay in the end though, ‘cause they left me with a lot of great photos of my apartment and some kind of talking robot fish toy.

Anyway, that stupid year is over. So here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. My resolutions for 2004. In order to become a leaner, cleaner, fitter, happier Chirls by 2005, I resolve:

1. Blog updates at least twice a day (once on the Sabbath)

Thousands of you have come to depend on blog.chirls.com for our well-researched, thoughtful news and opinion on Politics, Arts and Culture, Technology and some other stuff that’s pretty much completely pointless. In return for your devotion, I owe you, the readers, the best effort I can muster. I see 2004 as being the year of quantity over quality (“The more the merrier!” “A lot is hot!”). So this is my pledge. Twice a day and no less (once on the Sabbath).

2. No more stand-up comedy

The success rate on this stuff is just too low, and I’ll not have it anymore. I mean, have you seen some of these comedians? Exceptions for Eddie Izzard and old Steve Martin tapes, naturally.

3. Become friendly with one Muslim person

At this point, I feel that I’ve gotten about as much as I’m gonna get out of Christians and Jews. It’s time to broaden my horizons. I looked into Buddhism, but I just can’t get behind the whole Eightfold Path thing. I mean eight? Honestly. And after last week, Shintoism is out! That leaves our monotheistic brethren, the Muslims. Anyway, I have a feeling the Muslim people are going to play an increasingly relevant role in the world come 2005. I may as well get a jump on it.

4. Eat nothing but protein bars

Impact carbs are the devil, just like rap music and the Internet. I’m done with ‘em! Bring on the hydrolyzed collagen and whey protein. Yum, that’s tasty!

That’ll be about all I can handle in one year. Thanks for reading. See you back here in 12 hours. Promise.

On occasion, I have been known to send the blog.chirls.com staff out onto the Internet to find stuff for me to read when I’m too bored or disgusted to deal with the people around me. Today, as I was having my New Year’s Day pedicure, I found this wonderful little piece on page five of this morning’s print-out. It’s a review of the film Trainspotting, written by a lady from Massachussetts, USA.

I think we could all learn a lot from this review about life, journalism and film directing. I, for one, will pay close attention to these words when working on my next film, whether in writing, casting or drinking at the wrap party.

_if you think junkies are glamorus

I just couldn’t believe the hype this movie got when it came out. I had trouble trying to follow the conversations (they were spoken in a very thick Sort of Scotch accent). The people were sooooooo ugly. What happened to all the beautiful movie stars????????????? The men were ugly and the women were even uglier if that’s possible. These people where obviously extreme low end people. Unless you like junkies, baby death and ugly people pooping in their beds don’t bother with this. Rent “The Full Monty” instead! It was a much better movie._

[From amazon, link by chirls]

Finally, somebody invented a USB Menorah. [via Slashdot] The site has detailed schematics and instructions to build the software and hardware yourself. Looks pretty inexpensive too. That should go over well; he’s got my attention. “It can correctly calculate the dates of Hannukah for at least the next few thousand years (or any historical date back to 2 B.C.E.). As well as ‘lighting’ the candles based on when the sunsets…”

This looks way better than my null modem mezuzzah. Personally, I’m hoping they’ll come out with a Wi-Fi lulav in time for next Sukkot.

This is a very recent update to a very old issue, brought to our attention by our old friend, BCSS (the update, not the issue). Silly, silly, silly. Naturally, it’d have to be my first entry on the House of Representatives that puts me over the top on those elementary school Internet filters. If this isn’t entertainment enough, there’s so much more out there. Check it.

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes. (Introduced in House)

108th CONGRESS

1st Session

H.R. 3687

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes.

IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

December 8, 2003

Mr. OSE (for himself and Mr. SMITH of Texas) introduced the following bill; which was referred to the Committee on the Judiciary

A BILL

To amend section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, to provide for the punishment of certain profane broadcasts, and for other purposes.

Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled, That section 1464 of title 18, United States Code, is amended—

(1) by inserting (a)' beforeWhoever’; and

(2) by adding at the end the following:

(b) As used in this section, the termprofane’, used with respect to language, includes the words shit',piss’, fuck',cunt’, asshole', and the phrasescock sucker’, mother fucker', andass hole’, compound use (including hyphenated compounds) of such words and phrases with each other or with other words or phrases, and other grammatical forms of such words and phrases (including verb, adjective, gerund, participle, and infinitive forms).‘.

A swell showing tonight at The New Yorker’s “Fiction Live” at Joe’s Pub. Hope Davis read “Friendly Skies” by T. Coraghessan Boyle. T. really raised the stakes with this one, and Ms. Davis showed how much a real actor can add to a piece. (Plenty.) Brian F. O’Byrne read “The Dinner,” a piece by Roddy Doyle that was way funnier than it should have been, given that it’s been done before. Neither the author’s awareness of that fact nor the quality of the performance could have hurt much. Prolly good directing also. Oh yeah, some guy from some TV show was there too.

And the fiction editor was totally checking me out.

Database: Columbia University Libraries

Search Request: Keyword = christmas and carol and conducted Search Results: Displaying 1 of 1 entries

How to combat anti-Semitism in America; the six prize winning essays in the…

Title: How to combat anti-Semitism in America; the six prize winning essays in the contest conducted by Opinion-a journal of life and letters. Physical Description: 91p. 18cm. Publisher/ Date: New York, Jewish Opinion Publishing Corporation, 1937.

LC Subjects: Jews—United States. Antisemitism. Material Type: Book

Location: BUTLER STACKS Call Number: 893.19 H83 Status: No information available

I don’t care what the Colombians say. “The Simpsons” is not funnier in Spanish.

I have been described as “indefegable” by the always-adorable, malapropic AB. Not sure what that means. At best, it’s something like “undeserving of a link.”

Also, did you guys notice they took down (most of) that ugly chain-link fence around the Central Park Reservoir? It’s been replaced by a shorter, friendlier cast-iron-type thing. That’ll make my daily jogs all the more pleasant. Awesome.